#220 Class Warfare: The Adult Table vs. The Kid Table

Ever since there were enough members in the tribe’s extended family to require two tables, there have been two classes of Keithlys: those who sit at the adult table at family functions and those who sit at the kid table. The eldest Keithlys, who always sit at the adult table, have tried to minimize this disparity using the same “separate but equal” argument found in Plessy v. Fergusen. The weakness of this argument is found upon comparison of the solid oak adult table and chairs to the fold-up plastic table and old, wooden benches of the kid table, and the fact that when Keithlys have a limited amount of fancy flatware, the kid table always ends up with the plainer decorations.

In recent history token gestures have been made by the adult community to reach out to those who have been deemed “kids” well into their 20’s and 30’s, but the general consensus among the latter is that these efforts are too little, too late. When they are presented with the choice, they defiantly elect to eat at the kid table.

If you are ever at a Keithly family function, you will be given a choice of where you would like to sit. Do not take this decision lightly, as it is a politically charged one that will ingratiate you with one faction and alienate you from the other. Consider the following pros and cons to both options:

Pros to the adult table: Availability of the better food, most of which will never make it to the kid table; prestige.
Cons to the adult table: The conversation may not be well suited to your taste, depending on whether you are older or younger than 55; also, this table has developed a highly complex system of passing food using an intricately timed pattern of clockwise rotation, which some Keithlys have lived decades without mastering.
Pros the the kid table: Ability to say just about anything you want; ability to eat dessert before dinner without being noticed.
Cons to the kid table: Never knowing what you are missing at the adult table foodwise. In one case, two separate meals were prepared, one for each table. While the author of this article was at the kids table and does not know what the other half of the family ate, he assumes it was something better than macaroni and cheese with tomatoes and a side of frozen corn.

#436 Doing Laundry in La Mirada

In a tradition that has been compared to a trek to the Ganges River by a Hindu or a ceremonial trip to Mecca by a Muslim, a Keithly will take any opportunity to do his or her laundry in the machines at the Keithly capitol located La Mirada, California regardless of where they currently reside.

Some Keithlys, having washing machines and dryers available at several much closer locations, wash their clothing in La Mirada every single week. Others who live in other states bring full loads of laundry on their flights when they visit, even if this means that they (or their employer) must pay several extra dollars for the extra baggage weight. So great is the desire of a Keithly to wash their clothing in these particular machines, that sometimes Keithlys must wait hours to do their laundry, even if they happen to live in the house where these machines reside. Such is their reverence for clothing that the Keithlys have filled an entire room in the house with nothing but couches to hold their clean and dirty laundry.

While its origin is unknown, this phenomenon is puzzling at best considering the following drawbacks to these machines: 1) the washing machine no longer dispenses bleach correctly, but pours it straight onto the ground, 2) throughout decades of recorded history, there has not been a single example of a male Keithly cleaning out the lint trap, and 3) the dryer is unable of drying towels properly in less than three cycles at the maximum time.

#351 Creating Offensive Nicknames

Regardless of your name, or the Keithly’s age, there is a 98% chance that a Keithly will come up with an offensive nickname for you. Therefore, do not be surprised when your name is cleverly altered into, alliterated with or rhymed with a body part, a bodily function, or something else with an unflattering connotation. There have even been cases of Keithlys using standard rules of English pronunciation to make last names resemble vulgarities. Some Keithly nicknames, however, are either neutral or even positive in their connotation, although these are extremely rare. Keithlys have even composed musical ballads with several verses dedicated to mocking somebody’s name.

Keithly matriarchs are known for being more bothered by this custom than any other demographic, but have ultimately been unable to end it in spite of oft repeated threats of banishment of perpetrators from a clan dinner and even, in some well-documented cases, physical violence.

If a Keithly ever calls you by a name other than your given name, do NOT say anything to the effect of “Gee, I’ve never heard that one before.” If you do, the Keithly(s) will continue inventing names for you until they come up with something that you really never have heard before and hope to never hear again. Unfortunately, you will absolutely hear it again. Please keep in mind, these habits are so ingrained that reminding a Keithly of his/her age and/or church calling will do nothing to stop the trajectory of the name-calling habit once it has begun. If you are dating a Keithly, you will eventually be forced either to end the relationship or to accept that at some point some Keithly will convert your name to something considerably less dignified, that a majority of Keithlys will find it inordinately funny, that it will remain for years, and that there is little or nothing you can do about it. Some examples of this Keithly creativity, and the gender of the corresponding victim, are found below*:

T-Bone (F)
V-Nizzle (F)
J-Nizzle (F)
Farty (M)
Farta (F)
The Fartins
Steven (F)
Scotty Potty (M)
Weiner (F)
P-Boy (M)
Natalie Patalie Poop Stain on the Rug (F)
Natalina Patalina (F)
Bratalie (F)
Fatalie (F)
A-Dogg, B-Dogg, C-Dogg, etc., all the way to Z-Dogg (F)/ (M)
Ian The Love Mach-Ian (M)
Peein’ Ian (M)
Ian the European (M)
Ian the Korean (M)
Ian the European who speaks fluent Korean (M)
Mr. Cl-Ian (M)
Tenacious P (M)
Tenaish (M)
Anna Banana (F)
Horny Loser (M)
Chives (M)
Snodgrass (M)
Snot (M)
Snotty (M)
Scooter (M)
Old Yeller (F)

*Note: for the sake of the innocent, nobody’s actual name is included

# 445: Keithlys like it HOTT.

Keithlys don’t fare well with cold things. They enjoy heat, and lots of it. The most obvious demonstration of this is the fact that they live in hot places and avoid in cold places. The Keithlys once left their home in the desert of Victorville, California to move to Utah Valley. As it was summer at the time of the move, the Keithlys did well for a time and lived in joy and peace. However, when the winter came with its frost and snow, the Keithlys would have none of it. Four years later in their favorite (and hottest) month of the year, they moved back to Sunny SoCal where the majority have resided ever since.

There have been a a few exceptions. The oldest Keithly child decided to leave the comfort and warmth of his home to reside in one of the colder parts of Russia for two years. When he returned, he vowed never to move to a cold place again. He is still thawing out. The next two Keithly sons decided to not repeat the mistake of their older brother, and when they left for their two-year ventures, they resided in Brazil and Mexico – much more Keithly-appropriate climates. When the younger returned, he missed the heat so much that he eventually moved to one of the hottest states in the country: Arizona. This same Keithly boy is likely the one who likes it HOTTEST. He once even made his mother purchase HOT salsa instead of mild/medium. He is the only one known to have reached the Keithly heat tolerance, for the day he ate the jar, he turned bright red and sweated buckets. To cool himself down he wore a lava-lava for 2 months straight.

The eldest Keithly girl decided to try her luck back in the cold state of Utah during her young adult years, and it is well remembered that she would call home every January, vowing to leave and never return to the snow. The only reason she is able to survive the cold winters of Kansas is because she changed her last name. Also note that the Keithly girls were always ridiculed by other clan members if they tried to wear "cooler" clothing that the Keithlys considered to not warm them up enough. Chief Keithly has the least tolerance to coldness and the lack of sunshine. He has been promising in-laws for decades that he would visit them in Maine, and even though it would be during the summer he always finds an excuse to cancel the trip--most recently the oil shortage of 2008. He even invested in a special light to warm his body and spirit during the cold winter months in Southern California, and still uses it regularly during the months of January and February. If hedoes not use it, he is well reminded by other clan members to stop griping and turn on his light. He has also been wearing the same thermal blue robe since 1972.

Note: For more evidence as to how much Keithlys like it hot, refer to #164.