#231 Duke

Keithlys love Duke, the King Charles Spaniel that lives with them. Perhaps a comically small extension of his previous owner, McCabe (see #284: McCabe), Duke has a personality that every Keithly, whether they admit it or not, loves. Here are some facts about Duke:

1) While he may appear stupid, the fact is that his breed was made to sit on your lap and look good—Duke is an expert at both of these duties.
2) He will try to catch every fly he sees.
3) Whenever he gets a chance, he will poop on the sidewalk instead of the grass outside.
4) Male Keithlys report a more favorable response rate with females when in public with Duke.
5) If something scares him (i.e. the vacuum cleaner), he overcomes the fear of that thing by urinating on it.
6) He elects to kill beetles by rolling on them.
7) Unlike Keithly women, he detests tall, thin men.

#339 Shaving themselves

Keithlys, and especially Keithly men, are much more likely to shave any part of their bodies than the average man. At any given Keithly function, there will be at least one pair of arms that has been shaved in the last month. Many of them also shave their chests, stomachs, armpits and backs. When they shave their legs they usually do so even higher than most girls do.

There is a Keithly whose face is the part of his body that sees a razor less than just about any other part. He routinely shaves the rest of his body but grows beards. The chief of the clan does not shave any part other than his face, but his legs have not grown hair since the 70’s. Yet another Keithly has a sizable chunk of his monthly budget set aside for purchases of Nair.

There is an old Keithly superstition that says that shaving one’s chest makes a man appear 10 lbs lighter, and that getting a tan subtracts an additional 10 lbs. While this has not been confirmed by any credible scientific or even cosmetic source, Keithlys live by this and thus are constantly shaving their bodies and tanning.

#502 Questioning Your Professional Qualifications

Because each Keithly secretly believes him/herself to be the smartest person in the world, it is no surprise that a Keithly will, when given the chance, ask you questions about your field of expertise in hopes of proving that he or she, with absolutely no training in the same field, knows more about it than you. It does not appear to matter to a Keithly how many years of education and experience you may have in the area. There are even recorded cases of Keithlys questioning a court reporter as to whether her job should even exist and taking the electric clippers right out of the hand of a hairstylist in the middle of a haircut!

This happens constantly. One can be a dietician, an accountant, a GMAT instructor, a lifeguard, a hairstylist, a commercial real-estate analyst, a guy who does stuff having to do with 401(k)’s at a large asset-management firm but is thinking about going to law school, a high school history teacher, or the Vice President of a small to mid-sized supplier to bulk-mailing companies, and find that his or her authority gained by experience in his or her field is essentially disregarded by other Keithlys.

Assuming you are a lawyer, the questioning of your credentials is likely to go as follows:

Keithly 1: A lawyer you say? In the state of Iowa, how much liquor do you have to steal for it to be a felony?
You: Um . . . well I’m really just a real estate attorney but I’m guessing in most states it would be $500 worth. But I’m not sure.
Keithly 2 (sitting at a computer): Well, according to Wikipedia, the ultimate source of all argument-settling truth in this family, they just changed it to $300 worth.
Keithly 1: Ha ha ha ha ha! Aren’t you supposed to be a lawyer? Look, Keithly #2, we’re smarter than a lawyer!
You: But, but . . .
Keithly 2: Hey, who left 19 Otter Pop wrappers under the couch?