#351 Creating Offensive Nicknames

Regardless of your name, or the Keithly’s age, there is a 98% chance that a Keithly will come up with an offensive nickname for you. Therefore, do not be surprised when your name is cleverly altered into, alliterated with or rhymed with a body part, a bodily function, or something else with an unflattering connotation. There have even been cases of Keithlys using standard rules of English pronunciation to make last names resemble vulgarities. Some Keithly nicknames, however, are either neutral or even positive in their connotation, although these are extremely rare. Keithlys have even composed musical ballads with several verses dedicated to mocking somebody’s name.

Keithly matriarchs are known for being more bothered by this custom than any other demographic, but have ultimately been unable to end it in spite of oft repeated threats of banishment of perpetrators from a clan dinner and even, in some well-documented cases, physical violence.

If a Keithly ever calls you by a name other than your given name, do NOT say anything to the effect of “Gee, I’ve never heard that one before.” If you do, the Keithly(s) will continue inventing names for you until they come up with something that you really never have heard before and hope to never hear again. Unfortunately, you will absolutely hear it again. Please keep in mind, these habits are so ingrained that reminding a Keithly of his/her age and/or church calling will do nothing to stop the trajectory of the name-calling habit once it has begun. If you are dating a Keithly, you will eventually be forced either to end the relationship or to accept that at some point some Keithly will convert your name to something considerably less dignified, that a majority of Keithlys will find it inordinately funny, that it will remain for years, and that there is little or nothing you can do about it. Some examples of this Keithly creativity, and the gender of the corresponding victim, are found below*:

T-Bone (F)
V-Nizzle (F)
J-Nizzle (F)
Farty (M)
Farta (F)
The Fartins
Steven (F)
Scotty Potty (M)
Weiner (F)
P-Boy (M)
Natalie Patalie Poop Stain on the Rug (F)
Natalina Patalina (F)
Bratalie (F)
Fatalie (F)
A-Dogg, B-Dogg, C-Dogg, etc., all the way to Z-Dogg (F)/ (M)
Ian The Love Mach-Ian (M)
Peein’ Ian (M)
Ian the European (M)
Ian the Korean (M)
Ian the European who speaks fluent Korean (M)
Mr. Cl-Ian (M)
Tenacious P (M)
Tenaish (M)
Anna Banana (F)
Horny Loser (M)
Chives (M)
Snodgrass (M)
Snot (M)
Snotty (M)
Scooter (M)
Old Yeller (F)

*Note: for the sake of the innocent, nobody’s actual name is included