#639 Underestimating Mr. O

Ever since their acquaintances with him, all Keithlys but one have consistently underestimated the character and intellectual abilities of a gentleman known herein only as Mr. O (but who will probably someday be known by such titles as “That Genius,” “The inventor of the Hover Car,” “The Solver of Cold Fusion,” “He who Ended World Hunger,” “The Curer of Cancer" and “His Majesty”).

During high school, it was essentially axiomatic to the clan that his mental challenges and chronic laziness would prevent him from graduating therefrom. When he won the stake scripture mastery competition and graduated a week later, the shocked clan granted him the small victory but predicted that he would never serve a full time mission--that if he somehow made it into the field he would not last more than a few months. After Mr. O returned from serving an honorable, full-time mission, this forecast was forgotten and it became fashionable in Keithly circles to estimate his fate as that of an auto mechanic or perhaps a lifetime teller at Wells Fargo, who would remain single.

Mr. O recently graduated from college with a degree in Biochemistry and will begin a Ph.D. program in the fall, where he will conduct research and teach university-level chemistry classes. He is happily married and has a beautiful baby daughter. When asked to comment, a Keithly who spoke on the condition of anonymity last week expressed a desire to place a wager that soon-to-be Dr. O will be discovered in his obvious cheating to get accepted into his Ph.D. program and end up "in prison" since he is, after all, a "young idiot," "canned stupidity" and a "punk like Al Gore."

#925 Figuring Out Who Farted

When somebody farts in the presence of Keithlys, members of the clan will not rest until it is determined beyond any doubt who perpetrated such an act. The process of identifying the culprit is very interesting and requires detailed explanation:

First, a Keithly smells the fart and immediately points it out to all other Keithlys. Most Keithlys in the room/vehicle are immediately appalled and demand justice. One Keithly, usually one who aspires to be a lawyer, appoints himself judge and jury while most other Keithlys play the part of the lynch-mob. Each person is questioned by the questioner (who interestingly when questioned satisfies his otherwise intelligent audience with case-closing assertions like “well, I would know if it was me”), and desperately tries to prove their innocence with such logical gems as “I always admit when I do it. I am not admitting to it, therefore it could not have been me,” “I never fart, are you kidding me?” or “Mine smell different than that, isn’t it obvious?” The smell is analyzed by all for potency, staying power, resemblance to food consumed, and overall personality. These attributes are then compared to each person present (that is, except for the questioner, of course). When two or more Keithlys agree on who is guilty, the rest of the clan immediately joins in condemning that individual for exercising this perfectly normal and healthy biological function.

If you are in the presence of Keithlys and somebody farts, DO NOT do any of the things on the following list; they WILL be interpreted as admissions of guilt:

1) Laugh at the ridiculous spectacle before you
2) Question the merits of having the argument in the first place
3) Accuse the questioner—this will paradoxically cause more attention to be placed on you

Keep in mind, the clan is exposed to the smell during this entire process, and when the culprit is correctly or incorrectly identified (usually the same person is blamed) he is unlikely to refrain from such acts in the future.

#702 Living in the Garage

Keithlys like to live in garages. In a garage, it is hard to make a mess. Plus, sleeping next to lawnmowers and power tools just feels natural to a Keithly. This, in combination with the fact that a Keithly also once slept on park benches most nights for an entire summer in Europe without shaving or bathing, and the bearded era that has just begun, has led some outsiders to speculate that Keithlys are the descendents of homeless people, although that issue has been only lightly debated.

The current Chief Keithly boasts of having lived in his parents’ garage for five years. Another Keithly moved out of the Keithly house to live in a garage with McCabe and considers those days to have been the best of his life. Yet another Keithly lives in a garage as of the date of this publication and remains convinced that he is smarter than the general public for doing so.

If you want to win favor with a Keithly, tell them that you once lived in a garage. Mention that it’s not as bad as it seems and that you laid carpet down to make it more comfortable, and that the temperature is actually nicer than in a house some parts of the year.

#392 The Letter “K”

In spite of the fact that every Keithly by definition has at least one “K” in their name, Keithlys love the letter so much that they name their children names in a way that shows a clear bias toward the letter “K”, as proven below.

The letter “K” represents an average of 0.772% of all English letter usage, the fifth least common letter after j, x, q and z (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Letter_frequencies). However, a study has revealed that in Keithly first names it constitutes 6.122% of the letters (7.93 times more than the average), and that those “K’s” are always at the beginning of the name.

Note: Keithlys deny any affiliation with the Ku Klux Klan.

Today's "Stuff Keithlys Like" has been brought to you by the letter K.

#497 Republicans: Voting for them, Hating them, and Voting for them Again

Keithlys always vote Republican. Aside from telemarketers and serial rapists, there is no group more detested among Keithlys than Republican politicians. Nevertheless, for tax reasons the last Democrat that a Keithly voted for was probably Harry S. Truman, and that was most likely because he shared the Keithlys' Missourian heritage rather than for his policies. This is a conundrum created by American two-party democracy that drives them crazy.

*Warning* You are warned not to discuss politics with a Keithly. Even though they would deny this, this can not end well for you. If you align yourself with Democrats, you will silently be blamed for the heavy tax burden disproportionately borne by Keithlys. If you say you’re a Republican, you will be associated with George W. Bush and the congress that doubled the national debt, and be blamed for the tax burden that will someday be disproportionately borne by Keithlys. If you claim not to vote, they will think you’re not very smart, and if you identify with a third party they will just think you are weird (an idealistic young Keithly was once ridiculed out of the Libertarian party). If for some reason you find yourself in a political discussion, here is a good way to reciprocate their discontent with every aspect of the system:

KEITHLY – So what do you think about Obama’s budget proposal?
YOU – Wow, let me tell you I really hate it. Not as much as I hate George W. Bush though, that guy was really stupid. I voted for him twice but what choice did I have? I hate paying taxes.
KEITHLY – Couldn’t agree more. Have some Mexican Casserole
YOU – Do they really eat this in Mexico?
KEITHLY – No, but don’t tell our Mom.

#211 Hondas

Only in a rare instance will a Keithly buy a car that is not made by Honda and has a number of doors other than 4. Trucks and minivans are a different story, but there is a widely held belief among Keithlys that only bad things will happen to any other kind of car. While there is no consensus, some scholars and historians believe that this tradition started some time in the 80s when the current Chief Keithly, driving a 4 door Honda Civic stationwagon, was T-boned at an intersection. Despite the old Civic’s aluminum-can-like composition, the Chief miraculously ended up sitting in the passenger seat, unharmed.

According to the working theory, the Chief made two pacts with Honda that day: 1) to only buy 4 door Honda cars for the rest of his life and 2) never to wear a seatbelt again. To this day, he has violated neither of these pacts, with two notable exceptions: 1) a Mini-Cooper purchase to assuage a spouse’s frustration with the lack of walls in the house and 2) a $300 Chevy Lumina that some suspect he bought to provide the family with opportunities to mock the son that drove it and possibly to delay his marriage so that he could focus on earning a Master’s Degree.

Hondas have lived up to their esteem in Keithly history. The Chief later bought a 1988 Accord and drove it 300,000 miles only to have it stolen in 2002. That’s right, stolen. Another Keithly drove a similar Accord during high school that didn’t quite last as long, but most agree that if he had replaced the starter rather than push-starting it, it may have lasted much longer. When a Keithly has attained a higher status in the clan, he or she must purchase (or at least lease) an Acura, which is really just a fancy Honda. So great is the revere for Hondas among Keithlys that even the most frugal member of the clan once purchased a brand new 2009 Honda Civic Lx for over $20,000 even while using such money-saving tactics as living in a garage and eating eggs and refried beans for dinner most nights. There is also evidence that the eldest Keithly son’s decision to marry his spouse was influenced heavily by the fact that she drove an Accord, although it only had 2 doors.