#592 Yoghurt With Grandpa

There is only one thing that will single-handedly attract every single Keithly in the world to the intersection of Rosecrans and La Mirada Blvd. Well, two things if you count the “Dollar Theatre” (now showing movies, exposing you to gang stabbings, and sprinkling fiberglass onto your head from the ceiling for the curious price of $2), but the main attraction is Golden Spoon Yoghurt. In an earlier age, Keithlys had to travel several miles to Brea to enjoy this frozen, pseudo-healthy treat. Why would Keithlys go through so much trouble you ask?

The answer is simple: Grandpa is there. As the only living family member of the Depression-era generation, his surprisingly keen memory is a virtual history book on such subjects as 1950’s haberdashery (and how to this day it has not changed at all), race politics and soda-jerking. If you say something funny enough to Grandpa, he will remember it for a very long time—for example once a Keithly told him not to buy green bananas because he never knew if he’d be around to eat them, and he repeats this joke on a regular basis. His lexicon includes words like swell, crimony, jeepers, and gee whiz.

Another benefit to yoghurt with Grandpa is that he always pays for the yoghurt. Whereas at any other Keithly family function the person who takes too much food is ridiculed, at yoghurt Grandpa encourages gluttony by calling you a sissy if you order anything smaller than a large. Surprisingly for a man of his small stature, he routinely consumes an entire pint of frozen yoghurt before anybody else can finish eating a medium-sized serving. He considers it his lunch and some Keithlys wonder whether he eats anything else throughout the rest of the day.

# 355: Shouting on the telephone

It is generally known among friends and colleagues of Keithlys that when the name Keithly appears on the caller identification screen, it is necessary to turn down the volume at least four levels on the telephone prior to answering the call. Multiple cross-sectional studies have shown significant evidence that Keithlys have been known to talk louder than the total decibel summation of three non-Keithlys during a single 5-minute telephone exchange.

The Chief of the Keithly clan fervently denies that this habit came from “his side” of the family and uses the example of his white-haired father in Law (the chief of the neighboring Valliere clan and undoubtedly a NON-Keithly) as reason to defend his own blamelessness in causing this strange phenomenon of vocal intensity. The Chief’s father-in-law was raised in a primitive period of telephone history, where literally only the Loudest survived. As this was a transitory time for the entertainment industry (dueling was out of fashion and WWE had not yet been broadcasted), persons who wished to challenge another to a fight would simply call him on the telephone and a shouting match would ensue until eventually one of them hung up. The person who hung up was dubbed the LOSER of the match.

The Valliere clan took to the habit of proving their vocal superiority and quickly became the Loudest of the Land. When a fair-skinned damsel of the Valliere Clan married Chief Keithly, the Loudness gene was passed on to the majority of the Keithly offspring. If you feel that a Keithly has at any time out-vocalized you on the telephone, remember that YOU are the inferior one and the Keithly has already won the match.*

*The only person who has ever been known to out-vocalize a Keithly was a member of the Shamaileh-Marcella clan. You know who you are.

#441 Opening Up Old Wounds: The Canned Corn vs. Frozen Corn Debate

Keithlys tend to agree on most things: politics, religion, cars, careers, universities to attend, etc. One area in which there is no consensus however, and that has created an irreparable schism in clan solidarity, is the debate over corn.

Following are the observations of a non-biased third party:

Advocates of frozen corn, or “Frozenists” as scholars have dubbed them (they could also be accurately called “Fools”), falsely maintain that corn is better frozen than canned, because the corn is able to avoid the metallic flavor that it develops by being in the can. Frozenists also erroneously contend that frozen corn maintains its corn flavor.

Those who prefer canned corn, on the other hand, are known as “Canners” and know the truth about frozen corn: that it is disgusting. Canners contend, correctly, that no such metallic flavor exists in canned corn, and that freezing and thawing corn weakens its fibrous texture, making it less healthy and less appetizing. Some frozenists have claimed, wrongly, that corn is frozen very quickly and thus can avoid the formation of ice crystals that would damage the fibers. There is to date not one shred of scientific evidence to support this ridiculous claim.

The clan still has yet to settle this decades-old feud, and the contention always overshadows what would otherwise be enjoyable Thanksgivings. The fight for converts on both sides is brutal. For example, in one recorded case a young man came to the Keithly house with the intention of marrying a Keithly and some Frozenists asked him which kind of corn he preferred while implying that a wrong answer would cost him their approval of him as a potential mate for their sibling, since it would alter the delicate balance of power that now exists between the two sides. This kind of unfair behavior has become typical of Frozenists, while Canners tend to be more open-minded.

#164 Speedos

Perhaps stemming from their European origin, Keithlys love Speedos. They love threatening to show up somewhere wearing Speedos, comparing Speedos, taking pictures in Speedos, but most of all they love to wear Speedos in public. The more people present, the better.

There are several photographs of Keithlys wearing Speedos during their 2004 trip to Hawaii (which 88.8% of Keithlys were invited to). During a celebratory float down a river after a Keithly’s graduation ceremony, a Keithly once wore Speedos and earned the nickname among drunken coeds of “Speedo Man.” Keithlys have also played water polo and swam competitively while wearing speedos, and one Keithly will admit to running around in the rain wearing only a Speedo. There is even television footage of a Keithly wearing Speedos to a cycling event in the mountains, shamelessly running alongside Lance Armstrong, cheering him on.

It is only a myth that Keithlys enjoy wearing thongs in public. While there have been several recorded instances of Keithlys making their Speedos appear to be a thong, there is no evidence to suggest that they wear actual thongs in public. Perhaps the confusion stems from an incident in 2006, in which a Keithly jokingly asked another Keithly to loan him a pair of Speedos and was sarcastically given a piece of her lingerie. While the Keithly decided not to wear the thong, a non-Keithly male put it on and joined the party in the hot tub. It is still a mystery whether the thong owner went on to wear it again in privacy. Whatever the reason, the fact remains that Keithlys have drawn a very clear line between wearing Speedos and thongs in public and to date refuse to cross that line.

#31 Dumping their Fiancee

It is a universally observed part of the mating process for a Keithly man to dump his fiancée at least one time before marrying. This is said to be a spiritual process whereby the Keithly slowly comes to terms with monogamy. This process has been known to repeat itself up to three times before a Keithly settles on a permanent mate. In fact, one Keithly got engaged so many times that a jeweler set up a shop next door to the Keithly house [citation needed].

If your engagement to a Keithly was cancelled as part of this brutal ceremony, you do not have to lose hope. History points to many examples of Keithlys calling off the engagement only to marry that same person only months later. However, if more than a year has passed, the chances of this happening are greatly reduced and you are advised to move on.

While there is no consensus among experts as to the origin of this ritual, the earliest recorded occurrence was in 1971. The man who is currently Chief* of the clan, had already been engaged two times when he met and proposed to the woman he would eventually marry. One night at Knotts Berry Farm, he cancelled this third engagement, only to retract the cancellation days later.

*Chief: (n) in Keithly lore, the alpha male of the clan; the chief must always wear a blue robe, and protect Keithly property by sleeping in a chair while watching Charlie Rose and warding off invaders with a hose. Chiefs are known for being very frugal with their money and removing walls from their houses.

#89 Bragging About Their Calves

Keithlys come in all shapes and sizes. From middle aged ex-wrestlers to thin minors who date returned missionaries against their parents’ will, from Arab/Hispanic/Mediterranean lookalikes to potential underwear models, it is safe to say they are not a physically monolithic group. That is, from the knees up and from the ankles down. In that small gap commonly referred to as calves, however, all Keithlys look basically alike.

Keithly calves, without exception, have the following characteristics: firm, well-defined, and lean. No matter how much weight a Keithly puts on, his/her calves remain intact as the most attractive physical feature. As non-Keithlys will confirm, they are the birthright of a Keithly. In fact, some Keithly spouses have admitted that one of the driving factors behind their decision to join the clan was the high likelihood that their children will have Keithly calves.

There is no consensus among experts regarding the evolutionary origin of the calves. Some have suggested that, being mostly of average height, and resentfully so, Keithlys have walked on tippy toes for generations to compensate. Others have hypothesized that centuries ago in England, the landscape being different, the only food available some times of the year was found on very high fruit trees, so the Keithlys with the most calf stamina were able to pick more fruit, gain a more prominent place in the village and therefore mate with more of the women. Whatever the reason, calves remain a vital part of being a Keithly.

#284: McCabe

If you want to make a good impression with a Keithly, one sure-fire way to do this is to say something positive about this large, gentle, hilarious individual.

Of all the non-Keithlys in this world, the one that is most universally loved by Keithlys is easily McCabe. McCabe met one of the Keithlys several years ago because the two were on the same football team. 5 years and 240 lbs later, he has grown to be a favorite visitor of the Keithly house. In fact, he is so loved that there was even a rumor at one time that he would be allowed to reside there. Given the clan’s experience with non-Keithly tenants, that is proof alone of McCabe’s special relationship with them. However, according to the rumor he would also be required to have a job for some nominal amount of time, and for that reason most experts agree that even if this rumor is true, it will never materialize.

The three most striking features of this individual are 1) his love for life, 2) his girth and 3) his disproportionately petite girlfriend. It is precisely this combination that makes him a vital part of Keithly fun.

Some interesting facts about McCabe include the following:
1) He is incapable of having a bowel movement on any toilet other than his own
2) He drives a vintage Nova
3) He has been able to delay working, and current projections are that he will be able to do this until about 2030
4) He will do just about anything a Keithly tells him to do, but only for a while
5) He is so sturdy that, according to a legend, a full-grown Keithly male once ran at him with all his might, crashed into him, and fell to the floor in pain
6) He is an connoisseur of Hooka
7) He has every episode of “Scrubs” memorized—in fact, he considers the climax of his life to have been the day he gave Zach Braff a high five, and sees no reason to attempt to outdo that experience
8) It takes at least a case of beer to dilute his blood-alcohol count enough to get a DUI