#381 Being Fair Weather Fans

The venerable urbandictionary.com defines a fair weather fan as “A fan of a sports team who only shows support when the team is doing well. During hard times they usually bandwagon other teams. They basically have no real loyalty to the team, but still manage to get better seats than you at the game. Strangely they mysteriously vanish at the first sign of trouble.”

Keithlys love sports every year around the time of the College Bowl Games, Superbowl, NBA Playoffs and World Series. Depending on the year, they can also be crazy about soccer (when there’s a World Cup) or the sports being played at the Olympics. No matter what the sport, or how obscure the team, when the championship games of that sport occur you will be able to find at least one Keithly who claims to love the team and knew they would win ever since the beginning of the season.

Naturally, they are fans of the Lakers, Trojans (even though no Keithly has ever so much as stepped foot on the USC campus), Patriots, the US Olympic team, the Brazilian World Cup team and occasionally the Angels. No Keithly has ever rooted for the Clippers, the Raiders or the Mets.

#231 Duke

Keithlys love Duke, the King Charles Spaniel that lives with them. Perhaps a comically small extension of his previous owner, McCabe (see #284: McCabe), Duke has a personality that every Keithly, whether they admit it or not, loves. Here are some facts about Duke:

1) While he may appear stupid, the fact is that his breed was made to sit on your lap and look good—Duke is an expert at both of these duties.
2) He will try to catch every fly he sees.
3) Whenever he gets a chance, he will poop on the sidewalk instead of the grass outside.
4) Male Keithlys report a more favorable response rate with females when in public with Duke.
5) If something scares him (i.e. the vacuum cleaner), he overcomes the fear of that thing by urinating on it.
6) He elects to kill beetles by rolling on them.
7) Unlike Keithly women, he detests tall, thin men.

#339 Shaving themselves

Keithlys, and especially Keithly men, are much more likely to shave any part of their bodies than the average man. At any given Keithly function, there will be at least one pair of arms that has been shaved in the last month. Many of them also shave their chests, stomachs, armpits and backs. When they shave their legs they usually do so even higher than most girls do.

There is a Keithly whose face is the part of his body that sees a razor less than just about any other part. He routinely shaves the rest of his body but grows beards. The chief of the clan does not shave any part other than his face, but his legs have not grown hair since the 70’s. Yet another Keithly has a sizable chunk of his monthly budget set aside for purchases of Nair.

There is an old Keithly superstition that says that shaving one’s chest makes a man appear 10 lbs lighter, and that getting a tan subtracts an additional 10 lbs. While this has not been confirmed by any credible scientific or even cosmetic source, Keithlys live by this and thus are constantly shaving their bodies and tanning.

#502 Questioning Your Professional Qualifications

Because each Keithly secretly believes him/herself to be the smartest person in the world, it is no surprise that a Keithly will, when given the chance, ask you questions about your field of expertise in hopes of proving that he or she, with absolutely no training in the same field, knows more about it than you. It does not appear to matter to a Keithly how many years of education and experience you may have in the area. There are even recorded cases of Keithlys questioning a court reporter as to whether her job should even exist and taking the electric clippers right out of the hand of a hairstylist in the middle of a haircut!

This happens constantly. One can be a dietician, an accountant, a GMAT instructor, a lifeguard, a hairstylist, a commercial real-estate analyst, a guy who does stuff having to do with 401(k)’s at a large asset-management firm but is thinking about going to law school, a high school history teacher, or the Vice President of a small to mid-sized supplier to bulk-mailing companies, and find that his or her authority gained by experience in his or her field is essentially disregarded by other Keithlys.

Assuming you are a lawyer, the questioning of your credentials is likely to go as follows:

Keithly 1: A lawyer you say? In the state of Iowa, how much liquor do you have to steal for it to be a felony?
You: Um . . . well I’m really just a real estate attorney but I’m guessing in most states it would be $500 worth. But I’m not sure.
Keithly 2 (sitting at a computer): Well, according to Wikipedia, the ultimate source of all argument-settling truth in this family, they just changed it to $300 worth.
Keithly 1: Ha ha ha ha ha! Aren’t you supposed to be a lawyer? Look, Keithly #2, we’re smarter than a lawyer!
You: But, but . . .
Keithly 2: Hey, who left 19 Otter Pop wrappers under the couch?

#220 Class Warfare: The Adult Table vs. The Kid Table

Ever since there were enough members in the tribe’s extended family to require two tables, there have been two classes of Keithlys: those who sit at the adult table at family functions and those who sit at the kid table. The eldest Keithlys, who always sit at the adult table, have tried to minimize this disparity using the same “separate but equal” argument found in Plessy v. Fergusen. The weakness of this argument is found upon comparison of the solid oak adult table and chairs to the fold-up plastic table and old, wooden benches of the kid table, and the fact that when Keithlys have a limited amount of fancy flatware, the kid table always ends up with the plainer decorations.

In recent history token gestures have been made by the adult community to reach out to those who have been deemed “kids” well into their 20’s and 30’s, but the general consensus among the latter is that these efforts are too little, too late. When they are presented with the choice, they defiantly elect to eat at the kid table.

If you are ever at a Keithly family function, you will be given a choice of where you would like to sit. Do not take this decision lightly, as it is a politically charged one that will ingratiate you with one faction and alienate you from the other. Consider the following pros and cons to both options:

Pros to the adult table: Availability of the better food, most of which will never make it to the kid table; prestige.
Cons to the adult table: The conversation may not be well suited to your taste, depending on whether you are older or younger than 55; also, this table has developed a highly complex system of passing food using an intricately timed pattern of clockwise rotation, which some Keithlys have lived decades without mastering.
Pros the the kid table: Ability to say just about anything you want; ability to eat dessert before dinner without being noticed.
Cons to the kid table: Never knowing what you are missing at the adult table foodwise. In one case, two separate meals were prepared, one for each table. While the author of this article was at the kids table and does not know what the other half of the family ate, he assumes it was something better than macaroni and cheese with tomatoes and a side of frozen corn.

#436 Doing Laundry in La Mirada

In a tradition that has been compared to a trek to the Ganges River by a Hindu or a ceremonial trip to Mecca by a Muslim, a Keithly will take any opportunity to do his or her laundry in the machines at the Keithly capitol located La Mirada, California regardless of where they currently reside.

Some Keithlys, having washing machines and dryers available at several much closer locations, wash their clothing in La Mirada every single week. Others who live in other states bring full loads of laundry on their flights when they visit, even if this means that they (or their employer) must pay several extra dollars for the extra baggage weight. So great is the desire of a Keithly to wash their clothing in these particular machines, that sometimes Keithlys must wait hours to do their laundry, even if they happen to live in the house where these machines reside. Such is their reverence for clothing that the Keithlys have filled an entire room in the house with nothing but couches to hold their clean and dirty laundry.

While its origin is unknown, this phenomenon is puzzling at best considering the following drawbacks to these machines: 1) the washing machine no longer dispenses bleach correctly, but pours it straight onto the ground, 2) throughout decades of recorded history, there has not been a single example of a male Keithly cleaning out the lint trap, and 3) the dryer is unable of drying towels properly in less than three cycles at the maximum time.

#351 Creating Offensive Nicknames

Regardless of your name, or the Keithly’s age, there is a 98% chance that a Keithly will come up with an offensive nickname for you. Therefore, do not be surprised when your name is cleverly altered into, alliterated with or rhymed with a body part, a bodily function, or something else with an unflattering connotation. There have even been cases of Keithlys using standard rules of English pronunciation to make last names resemble vulgarities. Some Keithly nicknames, however, are either neutral or even positive in their connotation, although these are extremely rare. Keithlys have even composed musical ballads with several verses dedicated to mocking somebody’s name.

Keithly matriarchs are known for being more bothered by this custom than any other demographic, but have ultimately been unable to end it in spite of oft repeated threats of banishment of perpetrators from a clan dinner and even, in some well-documented cases, physical violence.

If a Keithly ever calls you by a name other than your given name, do NOT say anything to the effect of “Gee, I’ve never heard that one before.” If you do, the Keithly(s) will continue inventing names for you until they come up with something that you really never have heard before and hope to never hear again. Unfortunately, you will absolutely hear it again. Please keep in mind, these habits are so ingrained that reminding a Keithly of his/her age and/or church calling will do nothing to stop the trajectory of the name-calling habit once it has begun. If you are dating a Keithly, you will eventually be forced either to end the relationship or to accept that at some point some Keithly will convert your name to something considerably less dignified, that a majority of Keithlys will find it inordinately funny, that it will remain for years, and that there is little or nothing you can do about it. Some examples of this Keithly creativity, and the gender of the corresponding victim, are found below*:

T-Bone (F)
V-Nizzle (F)
J-Nizzle (F)
Farty (M)
Farta (F)
The Fartins
Steven (F)
Scotty Potty (M)
Weiner (F)
P-Boy (M)
Natalie Patalie Poop Stain on the Rug (F)
Natalina Patalina (F)
Bratalie (F)
Fatalie (F)
A-Dogg, B-Dogg, C-Dogg, etc., all the way to Z-Dogg (F)/ (M)
Ian The Love Mach-Ian (M)
Peein’ Ian (M)
Ian the European (M)
Ian the Korean (M)
Ian the European who speaks fluent Korean (M)
Mr. Cl-Ian (M)
Tenacious P (M)
Tenaish (M)
Anna Banana (F)
Horny Loser (M)
Chives (M)
Snodgrass (M)
Snot (M)
Snotty (M)
Scooter (M)
Old Yeller (F)

*Note: for the sake of the innocent, nobody’s actual name is included

# 445: Keithlys like it HOTT.

Keithlys don’t fare well with cold things. They enjoy heat, and lots of it. The most obvious demonstration of this is the fact that they live in hot places and avoid in cold places. The Keithlys once left their home in the desert of Victorville, California to move to Utah Valley. As it was summer at the time of the move, the Keithlys did well for a time and lived in joy and peace. However, when the winter came with its frost and snow, the Keithlys would have none of it. Four years later in their favorite (and hottest) month of the year, they moved back to Sunny SoCal where the majority have resided ever since.

There have been a a few exceptions. The oldest Keithly child decided to leave the comfort and warmth of his home to reside in one of the colder parts of Russia for two years. When he returned, he vowed never to move to a cold place again. He is still thawing out. The next two Keithly sons decided to not repeat the mistake of their older brother, and when they left for their two-year ventures, they resided in Brazil and Mexico – much more Keithly-appropriate climates. When the younger returned, he missed the heat so much that he eventually moved to one of the hottest states in the country: Arizona. This same Keithly boy is likely the one who likes it HOTTEST. He once even made his mother purchase HOT salsa instead of mild/medium. He is the only one known to have reached the Keithly heat tolerance, for the day he ate the jar, he turned bright red and sweated buckets. To cool himself down he wore a lava-lava for 2 months straight.

The eldest Keithly girl decided to try her luck back in the cold state of Utah during her young adult years, and it is well remembered that she would call home every January, vowing to leave and never return to the snow. The only reason she is able to survive the cold winters of Kansas is because she changed her last name. Also note that the Keithly girls were always ridiculed by other clan members if they tried to wear "cooler" clothing that the Keithlys considered to not warm them up enough. Chief Keithly has the least tolerance to coldness and the lack of sunshine. He has been promising in-laws for decades that he would visit them in Maine, and even though it would be during the summer he always finds an excuse to cancel the trip--most recently the oil shortage of 2008. He even invested in a special light to warm his body and spirit during the cold winter months in Southern California, and still uses it regularly during the months of January and February. If hedoes not use it, he is well reminded by other clan members to stop griping and turn on his light. He has also been wearing the same thermal blue robe since 1972.

Note: For more evidence as to how much Keithlys like it hot, refer to #164.

#639 Underestimating Mr. O

Ever since their acquaintances with him, all Keithlys but one have consistently underestimated the character and intellectual abilities of a gentleman known herein only as Mr. O (but who will probably someday be known by such titles as “That Genius,” “The inventor of the Hover Car,” “The Solver of Cold Fusion,” “He who Ended World Hunger,” “The Curer of Cancer" and “His Majesty”).

During high school, it was essentially axiomatic to the clan that his mental challenges and chronic laziness would prevent him from graduating therefrom. When he won the stake scripture mastery competition and graduated a week later, the shocked clan granted him the small victory but predicted that he would never serve a full time mission--that if he somehow made it into the field he would not last more than a few months. After Mr. O returned from serving an honorable, full-time mission, this forecast was forgotten and it became fashionable in Keithly circles to estimate his fate as that of an auto mechanic or perhaps a lifetime teller at Wells Fargo, who would remain single.

Mr. O recently graduated from college with a degree in Biochemistry and will begin a Ph.D. program in the fall, where he will conduct research and teach university-level chemistry classes. He is happily married and has a beautiful baby daughter. When asked to comment, a Keithly who spoke on the condition of anonymity last week expressed a desire to place a wager that soon-to-be Dr. O will be discovered in his obvious cheating to get accepted into his Ph.D. program and end up "in prison" since he is, after all, a "young idiot," "canned stupidity" and a "punk like Al Gore."

#925 Figuring Out Who Farted

When somebody farts in the presence of Keithlys, members of the clan will not rest until it is determined beyond any doubt who perpetrated such an act. The process of identifying the culprit is very interesting and requires detailed explanation:

First, a Keithly smells the fart and immediately points it out to all other Keithlys. Most Keithlys in the room/vehicle are immediately appalled and demand justice. One Keithly, usually one who aspires to be a lawyer, appoints himself judge and jury while most other Keithlys play the part of the lynch-mob. Each person is questioned by the questioner (who interestingly when questioned satisfies his otherwise intelligent audience with case-closing assertions like “well, I would know if it was me”), and desperately tries to prove their innocence with such logical gems as “I always admit when I do it. I am not admitting to it, therefore it could not have been me,” “I never fart, are you kidding me?” or “Mine smell different than that, isn’t it obvious?” The smell is analyzed by all for potency, staying power, resemblance to food consumed, and overall personality. These attributes are then compared to each person present (that is, except for the questioner, of course). When two or more Keithlys agree on who is guilty, the rest of the clan immediately joins in condemning that individual for exercising this perfectly normal and healthy biological function.

If you are in the presence of Keithlys and somebody farts, DO NOT do any of the things on the following list; they WILL be interpreted as admissions of guilt:

1) Laugh at the ridiculous spectacle before you
2) Question the merits of having the argument in the first place
3) Accuse the questioner—this will paradoxically cause more attention to be placed on you

Keep in mind, the clan is exposed to the smell during this entire process, and when the culprit is correctly or incorrectly identified (usually the same person is blamed) he is unlikely to refrain from such acts in the future.

#702 Living in the Garage

Keithlys like to live in garages. In a garage, it is hard to make a mess. Plus, sleeping next to lawnmowers and power tools just feels natural to a Keithly. This, in combination with the fact that a Keithly also once slept on park benches most nights for an entire summer in Europe without shaving or bathing, and the bearded era that has just begun, has led some outsiders to speculate that Keithlys are the descendents of homeless people, although that issue has been only lightly debated.

The current Chief Keithly boasts of having lived in his parents’ garage for five years. Another Keithly moved out of the Keithly house to live in a garage with McCabe and considers those days to have been the best of his life. Yet another Keithly lives in a garage as of the date of this publication and remains convinced that he is smarter than the general public for doing so.

If you want to win favor with a Keithly, tell them that you once lived in a garage. Mention that it’s not as bad as it seems and that you laid carpet down to make it more comfortable, and that the temperature is actually nicer than in a house some parts of the year.

#392 The Letter “K”

In spite of the fact that every Keithly by definition has at least one “K” in their name, Keithlys love the letter so much that they name their children names in a way that shows a clear bias toward the letter “K”, as proven below.

The letter “K” represents an average of 0.772% of all English letter usage, the fifth least common letter after j, x, q and z (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Letter_frequencies). However, a study has revealed that in Keithly first names it constitutes 6.122% of the letters (7.93 times more than the average), and that those “K’s” are always at the beginning of the name.

Note: Keithlys deny any affiliation with the Ku Klux Klan.

Today's "Stuff Keithlys Like" has been brought to you by the letter K.

#497 Republicans: Voting for them, Hating them, and Voting for them Again

Keithlys always vote Republican. Aside from telemarketers and serial rapists, there is no group more detested among Keithlys than Republican politicians. Nevertheless, for tax reasons the last Democrat that a Keithly voted for was probably Harry S. Truman, and that was most likely because he shared the Keithlys' Missourian heritage rather than for his policies. This is a conundrum created by American two-party democracy that drives them crazy.

*Warning* You are warned not to discuss politics with a Keithly. Even though they would deny this, this can not end well for you. If you align yourself with Democrats, you will silently be blamed for the heavy tax burden disproportionately borne by Keithlys. If you say you’re a Republican, you will be associated with George W. Bush and the congress that doubled the national debt, and be blamed for the tax burden that will someday be disproportionately borne by Keithlys. If you claim not to vote, they will think you’re not very smart, and if you identify with a third party they will just think you are weird (an idealistic young Keithly was once ridiculed out of the Libertarian party). If for some reason you find yourself in a political discussion, here is a good way to reciprocate their discontent with every aspect of the system:

KEITHLY – So what do you think about Obama’s budget proposal?
YOU – Wow, let me tell you I really hate it. Not as much as I hate George W. Bush though, that guy was really stupid. I voted for him twice but what choice did I have? I hate paying taxes.
KEITHLY – Couldn’t agree more. Have some Mexican Casserole
YOU – Do they really eat this in Mexico?
KEITHLY – No, but don’t tell our Mom.

#211 Hondas

Only in a rare instance will a Keithly buy a car that is not made by Honda and has a number of doors other than 4. Trucks and minivans are a different story, but there is a widely held belief among Keithlys that only bad things will happen to any other kind of car. While there is no consensus, some scholars and historians believe that this tradition started some time in the 80s when the current Chief Keithly, driving a 4 door Honda Civic stationwagon, was T-boned at an intersection. Despite the old Civic’s aluminum-can-like composition, the Chief miraculously ended up sitting in the passenger seat, unharmed.

According to the working theory, the Chief made two pacts with Honda that day: 1) to only buy 4 door Honda cars for the rest of his life and 2) never to wear a seatbelt again. To this day, he has violated neither of these pacts, with two notable exceptions: 1) a Mini-Cooper purchase to assuage a spouse’s frustration with the lack of walls in the house and 2) a $300 Chevy Lumina that some suspect he bought to provide the family with opportunities to mock the son that drove it and possibly to delay his marriage so that he could focus on earning a Master’s Degree.

Hondas have lived up to their esteem in Keithly history. The Chief later bought a 1988 Accord and drove it 300,000 miles only to have it stolen in 2002. That’s right, stolen. Another Keithly drove a similar Accord during high school that didn’t quite last as long, but most agree that if he had replaced the starter rather than push-starting it, it may have lasted much longer. When a Keithly has attained a higher status in the clan, he or she must purchase (or at least lease) an Acura, which is really just a fancy Honda. So great is the revere for Hondas among Keithlys that even the most frugal member of the clan once purchased a brand new 2009 Honda Civic Lx for over $20,000 even while using such money-saving tactics as living in a garage and eating eggs and refried beans for dinner most nights. There is also evidence that the eldest Keithly son’s decision to marry his spouse was influenced heavily by the fact that she drove an Accord, although it only had 2 doors.

#592 Yoghurt With Grandpa

There is only one thing that will single-handedly attract every single Keithly in the world to the intersection of Rosecrans and La Mirada Blvd. Well, two things if you count the “Dollar Theatre” (now showing movies, exposing you to gang stabbings, and sprinkling fiberglass onto your head from the ceiling for the curious price of $2), but the main attraction is Golden Spoon Yoghurt. In an earlier age, Keithlys had to travel several miles to Brea to enjoy this frozen, pseudo-healthy treat. Why would Keithlys go through so much trouble you ask?

The answer is simple: Grandpa is there. As the only living family member of the Depression-era generation, his surprisingly keen memory is a virtual history book on such subjects as 1950’s haberdashery (and how to this day it has not changed at all), race politics and soda-jerking. If you say something funny enough to Grandpa, he will remember it for a very long time—for example once a Keithly told him not to buy green bananas because he never knew if he’d be around to eat them, and he repeats this joke on a regular basis. His lexicon includes words like swell, crimony, jeepers, and gee whiz.

Another benefit to yoghurt with Grandpa is that he always pays for the yoghurt. Whereas at any other Keithly family function the person who takes too much food is ridiculed, at yoghurt Grandpa encourages gluttony by calling you a sissy if you order anything smaller than a large. Surprisingly for a man of his small stature, he routinely consumes an entire pint of frozen yoghurt before anybody else can finish eating a medium-sized serving. He considers it his lunch and some Keithlys wonder whether he eats anything else throughout the rest of the day.

# 355: Shouting on the telephone

It is generally known among friends and colleagues of Keithlys that when the name Keithly appears on the caller identification screen, it is necessary to turn down the volume at least four levels on the telephone prior to answering the call. Multiple cross-sectional studies have shown significant evidence that Keithlys have been known to talk louder than the total decibel summation of three non-Keithlys during a single 5-minute telephone exchange.

The Chief of the Keithly clan fervently denies that this habit came from “his side” of the family and uses the example of his white-haired father in Law (the chief of the neighboring Valliere clan and undoubtedly a NON-Keithly) as reason to defend his own blamelessness in causing this strange phenomenon of vocal intensity. The Chief’s father-in-law was raised in a primitive period of telephone history, where literally only the Loudest survived. As this was a transitory time for the entertainment industry (dueling was out of fashion and WWE had not yet been broadcasted), persons who wished to challenge another to a fight would simply call him on the telephone and a shouting match would ensue until eventually one of them hung up. The person who hung up was dubbed the LOSER of the match.

The Valliere clan took to the habit of proving their vocal superiority and quickly became the Loudest of the Land. When a fair-skinned damsel of the Valliere Clan married Chief Keithly, the Loudness gene was passed on to the majority of the Keithly offspring. If you feel that a Keithly has at any time out-vocalized you on the telephone, remember that YOU are the inferior one and the Keithly has already won the match.*

*The only person who has ever been known to out-vocalize a Keithly was a member of the Shamaileh-Marcella clan. You know who you are.

#441 Opening Up Old Wounds: The Canned Corn vs. Frozen Corn Debate

Keithlys tend to agree on most things: politics, religion, cars, careers, universities to attend, etc. One area in which there is no consensus however, and that has created an irreparable schism in clan solidarity, is the debate over corn.

Following are the observations of a non-biased third party:

Advocates of frozen corn, or “Frozenists” as scholars have dubbed them (they could also be accurately called “Fools”), falsely maintain that corn is better frozen than canned, because the corn is able to avoid the metallic flavor that it develops by being in the can. Frozenists also erroneously contend that frozen corn maintains its corn flavor.

Those who prefer canned corn, on the other hand, are known as “Canners” and know the truth about frozen corn: that it is disgusting. Canners contend, correctly, that no such metallic flavor exists in canned corn, and that freezing and thawing corn weakens its fibrous texture, making it less healthy and less appetizing. Some frozenists have claimed, wrongly, that corn is frozen very quickly and thus can avoid the formation of ice crystals that would damage the fibers. There is to date not one shred of scientific evidence to support this ridiculous claim.

The clan still has yet to settle this decades-old feud, and the contention always overshadows what would otherwise be enjoyable Thanksgivings. The fight for converts on both sides is brutal. For example, in one recorded case a young man came to the Keithly house with the intention of marrying a Keithly and some Frozenists asked him which kind of corn he preferred while implying that a wrong answer would cost him their approval of him as a potential mate for their sibling, since it would alter the delicate balance of power that now exists between the two sides. This kind of unfair behavior has become typical of Frozenists, while Canners tend to be more open-minded.

#164 Speedos

Perhaps stemming from their European origin, Keithlys love Speedos. They love threatening to show up somewhere wearing Speedos, comparing Speedos, taking pictures in Speedos, but most of all they love to wear Speedos in public. The more people present, the better.

There are several photographs of Keithlys wearing Speedos during their 2004 trip to Hawaii (which 88.8% of Keithlys were invited to). During a celebratory float down a river after a Keithly’s graduation ceremony, a Keithly once wore Speedos and earned the nickname among drunken coeds of “Speedo Man.” Keithlys have also played water polo and swam competitively while wearing speedos, and one Keithly will admit to running around in the rain wearing only a Speedo. There is even television footage of a Keithly wearing Speedos to a cycling event in the mountains, shamelessly running alongside Lance Armstrong, cheering him on.

It is only a myth that Keithlys enjoy wearing thongs in public. While there have been several recorded instances of Keithlys making their Speedos appear to be a thong, there is no evidence to suggest that they wear actual thongs in public. Perhaps the confusion stems from an incident in 2006, in which a Keithly jokingly asked another Keithly to loan him a pair of Speedos and was sarcastically given a piece of her lingerie. While the Keithly decided not to wear the thong, a non-Keithly male put it on and joined the party in the hot tub. It is still a mystery whether the thong owner went on to wear it again in privacy. Whatever the reason, the fact remains that Keithlys have drawn a very clear line between wearing Speedos and thongs in public and to date refuse to cross that line.

#31 Dumping their Fiancee

It is a universally observed part of the mating process for a Keithly man to dump his fiancée at least one time before marrying. This is said to be a spiritual process whereby the Keithly slowly comes to terms with monogamy. This process has been known to repeat itself up to three times before a Keithly settles on a permanent mate. In fact, one Keithly got engaged so many times that a jeweler set up a shop next door to the Keithly house [citation needed].

If your engagement to a Keithly was cancelled as part of this brutal ceremony, you do not have to lose hope. History points to many examples of Keithlys calling off the engagement only to marry that same person only months later. However, if more than a year has passed, the chances of this happening are greatly reduced and you are advised to move on.

While there is no consensus among experts as to the origin of this ritual, the earliest recorded occurrence was in 1971. The man who is currently Chief* of the clan, had already been engaged two times when he met and proposed to the woman he would eventually marry. One night at Knotts Berry Farm, he cancelled this third engagement, only to retract the cancellation days later.

*Chief: (n) in Keithly lore, the alpha male of the clan; the chief must always wear a blue robe, and protect Keithly property by sleeping in a chair while watching Charlie Rose and warding off invaders with a hose. Chiefs are known for being very frugal with their money and removing walls from their houses.

#89 Bragging About Their Calves

Keithlys come in all shapes and sizes. From middle aged ex-wrestlers to thin minors who date returned missionaries against their parents’ will, from Arab/Hispanic/Mediterranean lookalikes to potential underwear models, it is safe to say they are not a physically monolithic group. That is, from the knees up and from the ankles down. In that small gap commonly referred to as calves, however, all Keithlys look basically alike.

Keithly calves, without exception, have the following characteristics: firm, well-defined, and lean. No matter how much weight a Keithly puts on, his/her calves remain intact as the most attractive physical feature. As non-Keithlys will confirm, they are the birthright of a Keithly. In fact, some Keithly spouses have admitted that one of the driving factors behind their decision to join the clan was the high likelihood that their children will have Keithly calves.

There is no consensus among experts regarding the evolutionary origin of the calves. Some have suggested that, being mostly of average height, and resentfully so, Keithlys have walked on tippy toes for generations to compensate. Others have hypothesized that centuries ago in England, the landscape being different, the only food available some times of the year was found on very high fruit trees, so the Keithlys with the most calf stamina were able to pick more fruit, gain a more prominent place in the village and therefore mate with more of the women. Whatever the reason, calves remain a vital part of being a Keithly.

#284: McCabe

If you want to make a good impression with a Keithly, one sure-fire way to do this is to say something positive about this large, gentle, hilarious individual.

Of all the non-Keithlys in this world, the one that is most universally loved by Keithlys is easily McCabe. McCabe met one of the Keithlys several years ago because the two were on the same football team. 5 years and 240 lbs later, he has grown to be a favorite visitor of the Keithly house. In fact, he is so loved that there was even a rumor at one time that he would be allowed to reside there. Given the clan’s experience with non-Keithly tenants, that is proof alone of McCabe’s special relationship with them. However, according to the rumor he would also be required to have a job for some nominal amount of time, and for that reason most experts agree that even if this rumor is true, it will never materialize.

The three most striking features of this individual are 1) his love for life, 2) his girth and 3) his disproportionately petite girlfriend. It is precisely this combination that makes him a vital part of Keithly fun.

Some interesting facts about McCabe include the following:
1) He is incapable of having a bowel movement on any toilet other than his own
2) He drives a vintage Nova
3) He has been able to delay working, and current projections are that he will be able to do this until about 2030
4) He will do just about anything a Keithly tells him to do, but only for a while
5) He is so sturdy that, according to a legend, a full-grown Keithly male once ran at him with all his might, crashed into him, and fell to the floor in pain
6) He is an connoisseur of Hooka
7) He has every episode of “Scrubs” memorized—in fact, he considers the climax of his life to have been the day he gave Zach Braff a high five, and sees no reason to attempt to outdo that experience
8) It takes at least a case of beer to dilute his blood-alcohol count enough to get a DUI